my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
