He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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