i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My dick has a subreddit
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
