all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
