I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
