Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
