I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
