Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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