I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
