She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
