you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize