I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
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I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
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My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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