He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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