just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
where are you?
Hypothermia
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
