i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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