I'm sorry my penis didn't work
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
