I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
