Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
