I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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