i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
