Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
