Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
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He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
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The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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