Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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