It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
