I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
