I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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