We got so high we made milksteak
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
