uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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