see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
