My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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