I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
