just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
