Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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