When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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