I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
