P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
