I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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