i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
