if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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