just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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