then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
