Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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