What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
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If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex on a roof
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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