I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
