Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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