Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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