I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
