I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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