i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
