im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
