I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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