How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
