my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
