There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
