Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
