listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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