I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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