i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
