imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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