This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
